i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Randomize
