im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
nutella sex= disaster
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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