I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
