I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
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