I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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