Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
