Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize