she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
