I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
