So drunk its hurt
dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
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