I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Randomize
