you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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