Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
I'm getting married
To pizza
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
