Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
