New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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