I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
