i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
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