I CAN MOONWALK!
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
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