I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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