im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
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