I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
Randomize
