Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Randomize
