I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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