theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
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