If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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