she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Randomize
