time to smoke my breakfast
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
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