she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize