"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
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