God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
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