WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
