Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
I just found puke in my bra..
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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