Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
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