Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Mom said you looked used
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize