Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
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