This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
