remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Randomize
