Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
