you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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