I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
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