OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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