i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Randomize
