Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
