I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize