Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I came so hard my ears popped.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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