last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Randomize
