Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
