She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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