I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
