So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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