Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Randomize