tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
