i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
