Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
