Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
