I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Randomize
