Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I got inside last night via doggy door
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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