My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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