Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
