the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
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