There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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