So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
