Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
