I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Randomize
