i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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