I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Randomize
